Rocking the Boat and the Cradle

I remember moments between my mother and I, when I was young, during which she tried to impress upon me the importance of being a strong and independent person. I suppose that I must have heard the word “feminist” uttered occasionally between her and her friends, and perhaps she even used the word with me, though I cannot recall the first time I heard it. What I am certain of is that I never doubted that my mother was a feminist. The only problem is that my mother was a stay-at-home mom.

Why is it so ingrained in us that feminism and motherhood are at odds? Many women feel unable to relate to the feminist movement because they feel that it condemns stay-at-home mothers as being oppressed, devaluing the fulfillment that many full-time mothers find rather than empowering them.

(In this post I will sometimes use the word “feminist” to refer to a woman who subscribes to a certain wave of feminism that disavows motherhood, and the incorrect perception of the entire feminist movement as such. I don’t mean to devalue the women who call themselves “feminists”, as I do so myself. In fact, I would argue that most women are feminists, but mothers who might otherwise consider themselves to be “feminists” sometimes feel distanced from the feminist movement.)

There is at least one strong reason for feminists to be mothers: “To raise more feminists, of course” (Strong 200). One blogger reminds us that feminist mothers are the ones raising tomorrow’s movers and shakers when she writes: “Could you imagine if the only people that reproduced are the ones that think things like ‘girls like only pink’ and ‘boys shouldn’t cry.’” Mothers can make a statement by “becoming the type of mothers that so many sexist men and women fear.”

Some have suggested that feminism’s anti-motherhood kick is largely due to the fact that the feminist movement has indoctrinated women not to accept roles just because they are traditionally “feminine,” yet denying the role of “mother” can mean ignoring a biological urge and sometimes a long-time dream.

Donna Haraway declares in her Cyborg Manifesto that “women’s labour in the household and women’s activity as mothers … entered theory on the authority of analogy to the Marxian concept of labour,” alluding to her opinion that a woman’s work has value in the sense that all in our society are expected to work.

Societal pressure to not give up her career “just” because she is now a mother was responsible for much strife for author Jennifer Margulis, who felt exterior pressure to return to work after having her first child. She expresses her frustration at feeling torn between wanting to work away from the home and wanting to be present for her children. She writes: “Frantic to be with my daughter, I was angry that my ‘feminist’ ideas and America’s inability to provide a social net for mothers and newborns had driven me back to work so quickly” (Strong 55). Margulis even goes so far as to question the strides made by the feminist movement to better the situation of mothers: “… I wonder if women in America are really better off than 1950s Leave It to Beaver housewives were. Instead of having to excel at vacuuming and lunch making, we have to excel in the workforce and at home.” (Strong 57) Expecting mothers to “do it all” by having both a career and children, Margulis believes, is more demanding than asking them to succeed at only one.

Margulis didn’t feel that it was possible to work a full-time job and to properly mother her child, but Beverly Tucker believes that leaving children in the care of a surrogate, such as a nanny, “weakens the bond between mother and child and strips women of their true identity.”

Other women admit that they, too, were convinced by motherhood’s “bad rap.” Some women state frankly that it was just assumed that they would never give up a career because of the birth of a child, and yet upon becoming mothers they confess to being stricken by surprise at the amount of time they would want to spend with their new baby (Petrikin 138).

Kathleen Wagner wrote: “There is literally no peace … in a house where the mother has a full-time job.” She describes the arduous task of effectively sharing one’s offspring with a surrogate and the resulting tension. “And all the while,” Wagner writes, “if you asked this harassed and exhausted woman why she insists on having outside employment, she would tell you with a perfectly straight face that her career was essential to her self-image and fulfillment. Gee, sounds great” (Petrikin 139).

Making “work” and “self” synonymous has been typical of modern American culture and has induced mothers to feel that their work cannot be fulfilling. A certain wave of feminists encouraged this feeling of devaluation when they labeled motherhood as a chore, a necessity, not something that a woman would ever choose. However, studies show that women who choose to be stay-at-home mothers often have a period of learning about the experience of being a mother and about themselves, growing in maturity and emotion and even feeling liberated by spontaneity and by being in touch with one’s self (Petrikin 141).

The stay-at-home brand of motherhood is experiencing resurgence. Many women who were raised to believe that “motherhood is a trap and that true fulfillment is possibly only through a career” have left their high-power jobs to dedicate themselves to raising children, which they find “much more enjoyable and emotionally fulfilling than their old ideal of balancing job and family” (Petrikin 136).

Many young women are having families first and putting off a career until later in life. Young women are realizing that it makes more sense from a biological point of view to raise children during their more energetic years. This poses less threat to their future careers than it might have before, as employers are increasingly realizing that the skills associated with running a household and raising a family translate well to the workplace (Petrikin 142).

Each woman must choose her own path. The calmest voices in this debate seem to be the ones promoting personal decision and acceptance. Thus, while women continue to break cultural and gender stereotypes by entering domains traditionally dominated by men, we are reminded that “feminism also means valuing work associated with women” (Big Boys, 201), and surely there can be no work more feminine and more unique to women than mothering.

Non-web sources:
Petrikin, Jonathan S., ed. Opposing Viewpoints: Male/Female Roles. San Diego, CA: Greenhaven P, Inc., 1995.

Strong, Shari MacDonald, ed. The Maternal is Political: Women Writers at theIntersection of Motherhood & Social Change. Berkeley, California: Seal P, 2008.